Explaining Death to Children

Explaining death to a child is one of the most difficult tasks that an adult is faced with. But no matter how challenging it may be, it is a necessary part of growing up, and helping a child to understand and grieve can help you as well.By Deborah Lambeth

Children often think about life in very concrete terms. What is constant in their life will always be constant. The fish in the bowl will always be swimming around. The hamster in the cage will always be there. As all adults know, that is not true. Explaining the death of an animal to a child, while it may be difficult, can prepare them (and you) in explaining the death of loved ones. Children tend to react with sadness, as anyone would, and then by wondering what will happen next.

In explaining the death of a loved one to a child, one must remember that children have a degree of "magical thinking." Children may want to believe that a person who has died will come back and is not really dead. They may believe that they can go to where they are and see them again. It’s very difficult for children to understand the concept of heaven and "going there." Children tend to believe that all they have to do is find out how to go to heaven and they can see their loved one immediately.

Just as a parent teaches a child to express their feelings about other things, a parent also needs to teach a child how to grieve. Reminding a child how important they were to the person who died and how much the loved one cared for them is significant in the grieving process. One way to teach a child how to grieve is to create a memory book. The book doesn’t need to be anything elaborate; keeping things simple is better. Using notebook paper, have your child write down (or you write down) things they remember about the person who died—such as the color of their hair, their age, how tall they were, what they did for a job, or what they liked to eat for dinner.

Getting a child to talk about their feelings for the person is important. How did they feel when they were around their loved one? What are some things they remember about this person that were fun, interesting, or significant? Is there a special time they had with this person? Writing things down helps a child to remember, but also in the future to go back to their memory book and be comforted. As time goes by, we all can forget what someone looked like, so including pictures of the person in the memory book is important. If your child has something from the loved one such as a card, a letter, or ticket stubs from an even they attended together, that can be included in the book as well.

Maybe you can give the child something that belonged to the person, to remind the child of that person’s influence on his or her life. If a child goes to the funeral home, encourage him or her to ask you about anything they see or hear and do not understand. If your child keeps a diary or journal, suggest to them that they write down their thoughts about what they saw and how it made them feel.

For young children, it may not be a good idea for them to go to visitation or to the funeral. Depending upon the situation, the child’s personality, the way in which the loved one died, and other things, children can be encouraged to go to but should never be made to go—the choice should be theirs. Visitation can be overwhelming as well as boring for a child, since most of the people at a visitation are adults. Funeral homes are very accommodating to children. Going to the funeral home before visitation so a child is not overwhelmed may be one way of explaining death to a child.

Explaining the elements of a funeral—the casket, the urn, why people send flowers, why the body is cold—can be helpful for some children. Small, succinct answers are encouraged. Sometimes children will want to bring something to the funeral home, and they should be allowed to. Considering the age and the demeanor of the child, going to the funeral home may not be appropriate and could cause emotional damage. In these instances, you can have your own "goodbye service" at home, remembering the loved one in your own way.

Understanding death can be a scary time for a child because it is so overwhelming and nothing like they have ever experienced before in their young lives. Sometimes any negative aftereffects may present themselves in the form of depression, inability to sleep, lack of appetite, or unusual fears; these are signs that your child may need to talk with a grief counselor. Even if your loved one who died was not involved in hospice care, most hospices have grief support groups for children. This can be a valuable resource for your child as well as for you.

Most importantly, modeling for your child what it’s like to be sad and what it’s like to be grateful for the time you had with a loved one is important, because it gives a child a sense of security. Death is a natural process of life, and through simple things, your child can learn to grieve and understand the process of dying.
By Buzzle Staff and Agencies